If you haven't received feedback on the FIRST POST, or are having trouble posting your pitches here's a NEW post for your pitch-honing.
I'm so sorry for the inconvenience but I had no idea Blogger would hide comments and make this so troublesome for everyone. :-(
Comment below with your pitches (both 35 word blog pitches and 140 character Twitter pitches, or just one - whichever you feel you need help with). Your peers will comment and help you hone your pitches into something that will grab the attention of our esteemed editors and agents during the live pitch fest.
Please, please, please read each other's comments and share your thoughts and pointers. That's what today is all about!
(Does anyone else have the hokey pokey song in their head now?)
Please, please, please read each other's comments and share your thoughts and pointers. That's what today is all about!
(Does anyone else have the hokey pokey song in their head now?)
An example of a comment during the pitch-honing workshop could look something like this:
Jessa Russo
EVER, YA ParanormalRomance
35 word blog pitch:
Seventeen-year-old Ever Van Ruysdael knew her heart was on the line when she met Toby James. What she didn’t know was that her soul and the souls of those she loved were also in danger.
Twitter pitch:
17yo Ever knew her heart was on the line when she met Toby James. What she didn’t know was that her soul was in danger as well. #PitchMAS
Once your comment has posted, people can respond telling you what would work better for your pitch, what they like, dislike, etc, and we can all help each other with honing our pitches and making them contest ready.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by your premise, but I'm not sure what is at stake here. You have five more words you can use, so is there anything you can add?
DeleteI agree, I'm not sure WHY its such a big deal that they each get the gender they desire...and how do these wishes come true? Does someone/something grant them, or are they just "wish upon a star" type things?
DeleteWhat about this?
DeleteTwo women, two lifelong dreams: Victoria wants a girl; Lacey is desperate for a boy. In trying to obtain their dream genders, they risk losing everything they hold close to their hearts.
It's tough getting very specific with such a short word count! But I'll keep trying!
I know it's hard to sum up your book in a pitch. I hate it too! lol! But hopefully we can get some input and help you get yours ready for tomorrow! :-)
DeleteThis is better, and heading in the right direction, but I still wonder why and how. Are there medical procedures involved? Witch doctors? Money? Illegal things? etc. Do you know what I mean?
OK, I hope this is still in the right direction. Thank you so much for all the comments! Got to get this pitch polished!
DeleteAfter having another son, Victoria’s going to utilize at-home gender swaying techniques to try for a daughter next. Lacey attempts gender selection for a boy. In chasing these dreams, they could lose everything near their hearts.
I'm still not understanding the problem in the book. What is the climax? What stands in their way? What do they stand to lose?
DeleteVictoria would kill for a son. Lacey would sell her soul for a daughter. Determined and desperate, they could lose everything they love if they go through with their plans to get what they desire.
I don't know if this even works for your story, but do you see how I added words to grab someone's attention? Kill. Sell her soul. Lose everything. Desperate. etc.
Katie Teller
ReplyDeleteBRANDED NA Action/Romance
35 word blog pitch:
On Allison King’s twenty-second birthday she is branded for death. But she escapes, and the General, humiliated by her defiance is hunting her. She must evade capture, while she struggles to reunite with her family.
Twitter pitch:
On her 22nd birthday, Allison King is branded for death, literally. She escapes, barely, and is now hunted by an obsessed General #PitchMAS
We need to know more. Why was she marked for death? Why is it hard to find her family?
DeleteWe don't need her last name - it takes up valuable space. :-)
As far as your blog pitch goes, you can shorten it like this, leaving room for more details:
---> On Allison’s 22nd birthday, she escapes the General that marked her for death, and must find her family while she’s on the run OR THIS AND THIS WILL HAPPEN. AAAAH! (This is still only at 30 words.)
I would devote a word or two to describing the general's role in the book and why he is targeting her. Also, if it's a romance, maybe mention the love interest. I wouldn't get that it's a romance from the pitch.
DeleteI like the Twitter pitch. Branded is a good name!
Good luck!
It's so hard with 35 words! Maybe this -
DeleteOn Allison’s twenty-second birthday she's literally branded for death. But she escapes, and finds Damien whom she falls for. But the General who captured her, is hunting her for vengeance, which could spell Damien’s death.
Watch out for starting two sentences with "but" - it gets a little same-y. How about this:
DeleteOn Allison’s 22nd birthday she is literally branded for death. She escapes, and finds Damien - whom she falls for. But the vengeful General who captured her is in pursuit, which could spell Damien’s death.
I like that. My only comment (which you should ignore if it's too hard!) - maybe you not mention the 22nd birthday and instead mention why Allison is special or a target....
DeleteI still would like to know maybe why she's branded for death...why does this General want her dead? Also, I don't typically like sentences that end in a preposition, i.e. "falls for." Trust me, I know how hard it is to sum up a book in so few words.
DeleteMarked for death on her 22nd birthday, Allison escapes her fate and the General determined to kill her. After falling for Damien, Allison must evade capture without getting herself or Damien killed in the process.
DeleteThoughts? Sometimes its good to see other examples - it gets your gears turning. :-)
I like Jessa's idea, though I'd try and keep the branding if you can. It's quite striking.
DeleteAnother thing - "general" should probably be lower case "G" because it's being used as a general descriptor, not a proper noun.
"Literally branded for death on her 22nd birthday, Allison escapes her fate and the general determined to kill her. After falling for Damien, Allison must evade capture without getting him – or herself – killed."
It sure does. I went back to the drawing board and rearranged somethings. What about this -
DeleteSydney has been invaded, and Allison is branded for death by the conquering General. She escapes, and falls for Damien on the run. But the General is in pursuit, which could spell Damien’s death.
General descriptor? Oh dear god!
DeleteCan you add "too" on the end of the last sentence? I think you have the extra wordage.
DeleteMaybe:
DeleteSydney has been invaded, and Allison is branded for death by the conquering General. She escapes, and the General pursues her. On the run she falls for Damien only to realize he's now marked for death too.
or
The force invading Australia brands Allison for death. She escapes and must outwit the ever-increasing pursuit and reach her family. If she doesn't she and those who help her will die at the invaders hands.
? Need to show the stakes, I think.
The thing is the General doesn't want to kill her anymore, he wants to keep her as a kind of "pet". He's a creeper :-) So hmm... how about -
DeleteSydney has been invaded, and Allison is branded for death by the conquering General. She escapes, but the General pursues her. She is found by, and falls for Damien, which puts him in danger too.
Heather Quartetti
ReplyDeleteTHE HALO, YA fantasy
35 word: (Revised from the first post...I haven't been able to post this on the original.)
Becca thought her affinity for plants was nothing special. When she realizes she has power to control them, Becca fights her way to an island to discover her past and the origins of her ability.
Like this but not sure of the mechanics of 'fights her way to an island'. Is there some other way you can phrase this?
DeleteI'd try and say something more specific about the island. Why that island? You could shave two words by saying "realizes she can control them" instead.
DeleteThanks for the comments. Here's a revised version:
Delete35 word:
Becca thought her affinity for plants was nothing special. When she realizes she can control them, Becca fights corrupt wizards to reach a society with answers about her past and the origins of her ability.
I like this change. The only question I have is if you have a more teen-speaky word for affinity (yah, 35 words don't give us much voice to work with!)
DeleteMaybe a word like connection would work here, too? It's a little less formal (unless Becca's voice is formal!)
Emmie Mears
ReplyDeleteSHRIKE, Adult Urban Fantasy (Superhero)
35 word pitch: Gwen's only superpower is pissing off her boss -- until she drinks something meant to cure her boss's daughter of a deadly disease. Now she's got super strength, bombs, and a costume that gives her wedgies.
Twitter: Super strength? Check. Spandex costume? Check. Boss working to bomb her city? Check. Now Gwen just needs to save Scotland. #Pitchmas
Love this one! I don't think I'd change a thing.
DeleteMe neither, actually. :)
DeleteThank you!
DeleteThe blog pitch has me a little iffy feeling, though, and I can't put my finger on what it is to fix.
Maybe...
Gwen's only superpower is pissing off her boss until she drinks something meant to cure her boss's daughter of a deadly disease. Now she's got super strength, bombs to stop -- and spandex gives her wedgies.
Thanks, both of you! :) *puts warm fuzzies in a bag to hold onto for later.*
DeleteHands down, I'd go with the first one. It's punchier.
DeleteWill do! Thanks!
DeleteI agree with Sam. The first one is great as-is!
DeleteSam Bohrman
ReplyDeleteRUBY OVER THE RAINBOW, Women's Fic.
While we're at it, I'm gonna check and see if my fix from earlier worked!
My original post:
New lawyer, Ruby O'Deare, embodies the American dream. She’s debt-ridden, addicted to Idol, and, "uh, what do two lines mean again?" When someone murders her only client, Ruby finds herself fighting crime. In maternity pants.
Second (after not everyone got the 2 lines reference):
New lawyer, Ruby O'Deare, embodies the American dream. She's debt-ridden, addicted to Idol, and Googling the statistical failure rate of condoms. When someone murders her only client, Ruby finds herself fighting crime. In maternity pants.
Better? Any other problems?
Ahahahahaha, I love this.
DeleteI think the second one is great. It's got more quirk.
Excellent. Thanks! I'm in love with yours. If you want a beta reader, let me know. :-)
DeleteI like the first one better, I totally got the two lines reference, but could see how not everyone would get it. I think the 1st one is snappier. This sounds like a fun book.
DeleteVirginia, Given your photo, I'm not surprised you get the reference! :-) Thanks! Okay - going to check and see if you have another version to look over now...
DeleteHa, I only got the two lines when reading the comments (at first, I was thinking it was some sort of crime reference?) Number two is great. I love the voice in this.
DeleteSqueezing this in last minute!!! (Yay, long work day)
ReplyDelete35 word pitch: Sara learns that she is the key to freeing a lost king from a prison beyond time- unfortunately, her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose only purpose is to stop her.
Twitter Pitch: When a lost king asks Sara 2 save him from his time prison,she has to choose between him or her bff who fights for the other side #PitchMAS
This sounds good. I wouldn't mind a detail about Sara - a little something to make me feel attached - but I think it is clean. I get her motivation and the consequences. Looks good!
DeleteOops, long work day also made me miss this in the beginning:
DeleteIsabel Bandeira
THE DESIRED
YA Contemporary Fantasy
I think that you could omit the "learns that she" and go straight to "Sara is the key..."
DeleteDoes she know all along that her friend is in this secret society or is that something that is revealed in the course of the story?
I agree. Sounds smart!
DeleteIs the purpose to stop her/stop him from being freed or keep him imprisoned?
Delete35 word pitch: Sara learns that she is the key to freeing a lost king from a prison beyond time- unfortunately, her best friend is a part of an ancient society tasked with repelling rescue attempts.
Does this work? (always good to have a back up!)
Twitter Pitch:A lost king asks Sara to save him from his time prison. Now she must choose between helping him and her bff who guards the portal #PitchMAS
She learns it mid-story, after learning the Society is out to destroy/convert her. Hmm... what to do with those extra words, though?
DeleteSara is the Key to freeing a lost king from a prison beyond time- unfortunately, her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose only purpose is to stop her. Any way they can.
Thanks for the advice so far, Sam, Emmie, and Ellie!
DeleteSo, these legendary warriors/kings supposedly need to be freed
to save the world. This society wants to kill them or keep them out of our world.
... thinking.....
What about:
DeleteTwitter: When lost king asks Sara to save him from his time prison,she has to choose between him or her bff who is out to destroy them both #PitchMAS
One thought is that there really isn't a choice if her bff is out to destroy her no matter what. I liked "an ancient society whose only purpose is to stop her" which is tough to work in to the twitter pitch, so I like the original ending to the twitter pitch.
DeleteAndrew Swanson
ReplyDeleteShrapnel: Contemporary Fiction
Nothing redeems my war: the suck. No draft and no victory. Just magnetic ribbons stuck on bumpers, all bled out. I volunteered; it was my choice. Is it all just Shrapnel?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOk, I've tried to make these a little less generic sounding? Better? Thanks all!
ReplyDelete35 word pitch:
Fourteen-year-old Brook stumbles into a parallel world and learns to use an Elemental Fire talisman to protect the gate keys from those plotting to control all dimensional pathways. If she fails, she’ll be trapped forever.
Twitter pitch:
14yo Brook stumbles into a magical parallel world and must learn to use an Elemental Fire talisman or become trapped forever. #Pitchmas
Oh yeah, I forgot too.
DeleteMarlene Moss
ELEMENTAL FIRE
Upper MG Fantasy
Here are 2 ideas. Love to get your feedback!
ReplyDelete13yo human boy mistaken 4 vampire stuck in world where fave sport has rules against unnecessary decapitations. Get home b4 killed
In a supernatural world, a 13yo hemophobic human boy mistaken 4 a vampire struggles to hide his secret & find a way home b4 killed
Make sure you have enough characters left for #pitchmas!
DeleteI like the first pitch! It's funny and compelling with a strong hook. I want to shorten "Where fave sport has rules" but can't think of anything. I'd go with it.
Good luck!
A boy named Sue, after the Johnny Cash song, hunts down his father to kill him for giving him that awful name.
ReplyDeleteThree paranoid schizophrenics believing they're Hitchens are locked in a room and told to sort it out amongst themselves.
ReplyDelete