Huge thanks to everyone who has helped me out with my pitch/query so far! I've tried to take all of your comments and suggestions to heart, and hopefully this query is a lot better. (The original query post is HERE.)
I need a 200-word pitch for WriteOnCon (going on now), as well as a 35-word pitch for PitchMadness, courtesy of the fabulous Brenda Drake, happening later this week!
Please let me know if you like the changes I've made!
Thanks again for all of your help so far!
200-word PITCH for WriteOnCon:
Had she known she was descended from The
Beast of fairytale lore, seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs wouldn’t have been
shocked by the accusations of crimes she didn’t remember committing. But with
no recollection of torching her ex-boyfriend’s house or poisoning his new
girlfriend, and no knowledge of her cursed fate, these accusations devastate Holland’s
world. Striving to pick up the shattered pieces of her life, Holland is no
longer revered or admired. Not even the social lepers want to be seen with the
school’s freak pyromaniac.
Armed with the knowledge of what the future
holds for Holland Briggs, Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save her
from the curse that has haunted the Briggs family for generations. To do so, he
must fall in love with Holland, earn her love in return, then break the centuries-old
spell. Incorrectly trusting that time is on his side, Mick leisurely gets to
know Holland, finding it incredibly easy to fall for the broken beauty.
But as Holland begins changing way before
schedule, the dangerous side of her nature is revealed, and Mick struggles to
find a way to free her.
He must succeed, because
failure means losing Holland to the beast forever.
35-word Pitch for PitchMad:
There are a few things Holland Briggs didn’t plan on for her
senior year: burning her ex’s house down, poisoning her ex-best friend, or
turning into the Beast most have only heard of in fairytales.
I’m not an expert, but I’ve got a lot of thoughts. Please, take what you like and chuck the rest.
ReplyDeletePARAGRAPH ONE: I think this can be streamlined. I know you want to establish The Beast up front, but I think the mystery of why she doesn’t remember these things might be enough to keep agents reading into paragraph two.
EX:
Seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs doesn’t remember torching her ex-boyfriend’s house or poisoning her ex-best friend, but [something] convinces everyone she did. [this would be a great place to include any sort of proof – did someone see her? Is there hazy cell phone footage of her car fleeing the scene? If you want to keep it nonspecific, you could say something like “…but everyone else in town is convinced she did”]. Once revered and admired, she’s now the freak pyromaniac even the social lepers avoid.
PARAGRAPH TWO: I don’t think you need the opening clause, but I DO think we need a little more info on Mick. A lot of what I've added below is guesswork, but hopefully it sparks some thoughts:
Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save Holland from the curse that’s haunted the Briggs family for generations. [WHY? How does he know she’s descended from The Beast? EX: Anyone else, including Holland, would say he was crazy if he told them she was descended from The Beast of fairytale lore, but Mick’s family nurses a curse of its own] To [free them both], he must fall in love with Holland, earn her love in return, then break the centuries-old spell [that binds them together].
PARAGRAPH THREE: I’d break paragraphs here and pick up with:
Incorrectly trusting that time is on his side, Mick leisurely gets to know Holland, finding it incredibly easy to fall for the broken beauty. But as Holland begins changing way before schedule…
After this, I’d leave the rest as is. :)
35-word Pitch for PitchMad:
This is nitpicky, but “burning DOWN her ex’s house” reads more clearly to me than “burning her ex’s house down.” Also, I might say “AND turning into…” instead of “or turning into…”
I hope at least some of that helps. Good luck! Your book sounds awesome. :)