Friday, April 13, 2012

Tonight, for your dining pleasure, MY QUERY:

Ok, sharky-wannabes, have a bite. You know you want to.

*In my defense, this is like the millionth version of my query. I have had it down to around 250 words, and then I don't know what happened. My friend asked me today, "What happened to the one we worked on together?!" And all I could say was "I don't know! Its like I spun out of control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then I ran away screaming.


Dear Agent:

Two years ago, the only aspect of seventeen-year-old Ever Van Ruysdael’s life that could be deemed unusual was her homeschool education. But that was before her house became an intersection for the dead. Not only was Ever forced to accept the very existence of ghosts, but she had to learn to share her most intimate spaces with the few that were unable to cross over. Taking it a step further, Ever has fallen hopelessly in love with Frankie: an eighteen year old who has been dead since the late 1950's. Unbeknownst to Ever, Frankie is in love with her as well, and has been since long before she even knew he existed. Frustrated and hopeless, both friends keep their growing love for one another a secret. The fact that their undeclared love is physically impossible remains a painful unspoken truth between them.

Desperate for a normal, attainable connection and trying to get over her futureless feelings for Frankie, Ever pursues a relationship with Toby, who moves into the house next door. Good-looking and charismatic, Toby inserts himself into Ever’s life – and the position Frankie has longed for – with little effort.

With the sudden appearance of nightmares, gripping fear begins to consume Ever’s nights. She awakes drenched with sweat, tangled in her sheets, and calling out for Frankie; remembering only a desperate need to find him. Responding to her cries, Frankie begins coming into her room at night, his compassion and concern for her adding fuel to the fire in her heart.

Ever spends her days in a seemingly "normal" relationship with Toby. Her nights spent in secret with Frankie. All the while, her heart continues to be torn in two different directions.

Ever will soon discover that falling in love with Toby meant putting Frankie’s soul in danger. Thrown into a situation larger than she even realizes, Ever must choose between the two boys, knowing that the consequences could be catastrophic for all involved. Innocently or not, she has started something that must be finished, regardless of whose soul gets lost in the process.

EVER is a paranormal YA novel, complete at just over 71,000 words. It is the first in a potential series. As EVER is the first manuscript I have sent out for consideration, I don't have any prior publishing credentials to provide you with. I feel that there is an honest and raw vulnerability in YA that is lacking in much of the mainstream adult fiction. I am striving to write YA in a voice that is not condescending to the YA reader; a voice that is open and truthful.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Jessa Russo

10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to say I'm having trouble with yours. This is what I have so far:

    Two years ago, the only aspect of seventeen-year-old Ever Van Ruysdael’s life that could be deemed unusual was her home school education. But that was before her house became an intersection for the dead.

    Now Ever has fallen hopelessly in love with Frankie: an eighteen year old who has been dead since the late 1950's. Unbeknownst to Ever, Frankie is in love with her as well, and has been since long before she even knew he existed. The fact that their undeclared love is physically impossible remains a painful unspoken truth between them.

    At this point, mention the charismatic neighbor, but the description needs to be shorter. It's not necessary to mention that he just moved in. The paragraph that mentions the nightmares seems like you're moving into synopsis territory, but I'm not sure you can get rid of it since it sets up the stakes. Let's see what the others say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm having trouble with it too! lol

      But seriously, its crazy how hard this has become for me. I've inundated myself with researching the query, and I really spun out of control.

      I'm going to take all of your pointers and get working on rewriting. Let's see if I can look at it with new eyes and whip it into shape.

      Thank you for your critique!

      Delete
  2. how about if you just start here?

    Two years ago Ever Van Ruysdael’s house became an intersection for the dead.

    Go from there. Tell us what happens because of this and why it is interesting. My one cent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your one cent, Rick! ;-) As I've been telling the other people who have tried to help me, I really let myself get overwhelmed by this query and it completely consummed me, turning into a huge mess.

      I need to simplify it. Ugh.

      So much easier said then done! I will work on your point of WHY it is interesting. I think i can do that. :-)

      Thank you for your help!

      Delete
  3. Okay Chickadee, this is what I have so far.

    Seventeen year old Ever Van Ruysdael’s homeschooled life has been completely normal, thank you very much... Until her house becomes an intersection for the dead. Believing in ghosts is one thing – being forced to share her most intimate spaces with the few that were unable to cross over, is another.

    Now Ever has fallen hopelessly in love with Frankie: an eighteen year old who has been dead since the late 1950's. Unbeknownst to Ever, Frankie is in love with her as well. The fact that their undeclared love is physically impossible remains a painful unspoken truth between them. Frustrated and hopeless, both friends keep their growing love for one another a secret.

    Desperate for a normal, attainable relationship and trying to get over her futureless feelings for Frankie, Ever pursues a relationship with Toby, her good-looking and charismatic new neighbour. Their budding relationship is effortless. *I know you had a line about Frankie's feelings, but this is from Ever's point of view.*

    When nightmares begin consuming Ever’s nights, she awakes drenched with sweat, tangled in her sheets, calling out for Frankie, - remembering only a desperate need to find him. Responding to her cries, Frankie begins coming into her room at night, his compassion and concern for her adding fuel to the fire in her heart – and his.

    Torn between the blissfully normal days spent with Toby, and her secret nights spent with Frankie, Ever must choose one the boys – for they've all been thrown into a situation bigger than them all. Someone's going to get hurt. Someone's soul will be lost.

    No matter how innocent Ever's intentions were, she has started something that must be finished. The consequences of her actions may be catastrophic for them all.


    EVER is a paranormal YA novel, complete at just over 71,000 words. *Put something personal about yourself. Something snazzy to show your personality. You don't need to say it's your first novel. You don't need to say what you're trying to do with your novel – let the pages do that for you.*

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't have anything snazzy to say about myself. lol

      But seriously, I hate the bio paragraph. Everyone says, its ok if you haven't been published! Go ahead and tell us about where you got your degrees, and what makes you qualified to write this story. Or, tell us what amazing writer's groups you belong to.

      Um.

      Ok.

      Let's see .... I'm awesome.

      Thanks bye.

      ;-)

      I am going to kick my query's little rump today. I'm taking all of the pointers - most of which are saying condense and clarify - and I'm going to kill this query. I will be the Query Queen soon.

      Delete
  4. One OF the boys. Pardon the typos. Long day. Sentence fragment.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sentence fragments or not, I like Feaky's take on it. I'd definitely leave out the stuff about it being your first novel, etc., after the word count. If you don't have any writing credits, leave any mention of it out of the query. And I wouldn't mention anything about the YA or adult markets. Agents know the markets, and they'll know if they can sell your story.

    It sounds great, though. I want to know more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Laura!

      I'm hoping my writing and my story are MUCH better than my query writing skills! LOL!

      But seriously, just looking at everyone's queries has opened my eyes to how badly I need to clarify and condense (especially condense!)

      I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I'm going in!

      Delete
  6. Hey Jessa,

    I thought I critiqued your query? Did I not? I hope I didn't totally imagine that. I just dropped by after seeing your post on Janet's page today.

    So, anyway...I definitely *read* your query when I came by before. :) I really like Feaky's suggested rewrite in the comments above. It takes some of the best elements of your query and pulls them together. I might cut the suggested paragraph beginning "No matter how innocent her intentions..." because we get from the previous paragraph that the stakes are serious: life and death/ soul and soulless.

    Don't worry about your closing paragraph -- I don't have any prior publishing credits either, so I'm torn between saying some semi-relevant stuff or just nixing my bio part altogether. From what I hear, you'll be okay either way. I agree with Feaky about cutting what you're hoping your writing conveys, though. I would let the words speak for themselves.

    Good luck on query revisions and with finding an agent!

    Erin

    ReplyDelete