Hey all!
With the help of my critique partner, Tamara (Feaky Snucker), some VERY useful critiques from Liz Norris and Kristi Helvig, and a LOT of wonderful help from our little peer query critique group, I've revised my query to death. Rest in peace, little query. Rest in peace.
I've completely obliterated the old query and now present you with something totally different and new and hopefully MUCH better. (*You may notice that the storyline has changed a bit too, which obviously changes the query, so I hope you're not too confused.)
PLEASE tell me what you think. I love hearing all of your opinions and suggestions, and I love that we decided to do our little makeshift query clinic!
And without further ado, here's my new query:
Ever Van Ruysdael has a choice: continue pining for the ghost of her dead best friend, Frankie, whom she’s secretly loved as long as she can remember, or move on to her sexy new neighbor, Toby – who unbeknownst to Ever, is a soul collector. Make the wrong choice, and she’ll learn that more than just her heart is on the line.
Seventeen-year-old Ever’s love life has been in purgatory for the past two years. Since the car accident that took Frankie’s life, but spared her, she’s had to wake up every day to his ghost, making it impossible to mourn him or move forward. That all changes when Toby moves in next door. Easy to fall for, Toby’s relaxed confidence and honest interest in her makes Ever feel like the only person in the world. Torn between an exciting new relationship with Toby, or the deep, comfortable love she feels for Frankie, Ever must make a decision.
With the help of my critique partner, Tamara (Feaky Snucker), some VERY useful critiques from Liz Norris and Kristi Helvig, and a LOT of wonderful help from our little peer query critique group, I've revised my query to death. Rest in peace, little query. Rest in peace.
I've completely obliterated the old query and now present you with something totally different and new and hopefully MUCH better. (*You may notice that the storyline has changed a bit too, which obviously changes the query, so I hope you're not too confused.)
PLEASE tell me what you think. I love hearing all of your opinions and suggestions, and I love that we decided to do our little makeshift query clinic!
PS. Liz's debut novel comes out today, so go show her some book birthday love and buy a copy of UNRAVELING! Now! Hurry! Before its too late! ;-)
And without further ado, here's my new query:
Dear Agent:
Ever Van Ruysdael has a choice: continue pining for the ghost of her dead best friend, Frankie, whom she’s secretly loved as long as she can remember, or move on to her sexy new neighbor, Toby – who unbeknownst to Ever, is a soul collector. Make the wrong choice, and she’ll learn that more than just her heart is on the line.
Seventeen-year-old Ever’s love life has been in purgatory for the past two years. Since the car accident that took Frankie’s life, but spared her, she’s had to wake up every day to his ghost, making it impossible to mourn him or move forward. That all changes when Toby moves in next door. Easy to fall for, Toby’s relaxed confidence and honest interest in her makes Ever feel like the only person in the world. Torn between an exciting new relationship with Toby, or the deep, comfortable love she feels for Frankie, Ever must make a decision.
As
she falls harder for Toby, Toby gets closer to Frankie. Soon, Ever will
learn that the price of her new romance isn’t just her heart, but Frankie’s
soul.
EVER
is a YA romance with a ghostly twist, complete at 83,000 words. I wear
many hats, but I’m usually rocking a ponytail and a pompadour. My
qualifications for writing EVER stem from being a teenager in love at one point
in my life. It was a long time ago, yes, but my heart still thinks it
lives in the body of a sixteen year-old girl, and I try not to argue.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jessa Russo
Well, I certainly love it. :D
ReplyDeleteYou know my opinion on it (first paragraph is logline/ elevator pitch), but this is MUCH improved!
It sounds good to me! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mittens!
DeleteWow! Concise, clear, and engaging! I can't wait to read it!!!
ReplyDelete(Now can someone help me with MY query please?!?)
I'll help:)
DeleteYes, I'll help too! Not that I'm much help, but Feaky definitely is! She had her go 'round with the Query Shark, and won! Now she drops query knowledge like bombs.
DeleteShe helped me kick my query's rump! lol